I need to vent.

So he is unhappy that I have done some slight re-decoration to the home. He says I've divided our social area up which to me does not make any sense. We don't have house guests and neither do we socialist much at home. What social area? 

I've basically divided our living area and dining area by placing my work desk in between the two places. There are no walls. And if someone is sitting on the dining area they will have no issues speaking to someone in the living area as the reality is it is only 5 meters away. Truly no big deal. But he insists that it doesn't work for him. 

He said I should not have taken an executive decision to move the furniture around but should have discussed it with him. I was really MAD. Since when was he ever involved in any of the things that happen at home? Since when was he involved in any decision making? He does not even know how much debt we have and how we are paying for them? 

So furniture is a big deal and he wants a say, but when it comes down to the real important things and the need to take responsible he is suddenly quiet. Great. Just great. 

Making my life miserable and difficult just because he does not like that the furniture has moved 1 0r 2 meters away from its original positional. 

Real improtant.

Sex and Aspergers

I just got this ebook Living With An Aspergers Partner by Mark Huttenlocker. I am enjoying it. Some really good insights, and it is the first book I have read that describes my husband very well in terms of sexual connection.

Most books say that Aspies do not enjoying sexual connection. But this is not true for my aspie. In fact, at times I feel he likes it too much.

In this ebook, the author talks about the aspie's immaturity when it comes to sexuality, which is much like an adolescent. This was always how I felt about my husband! I feel like he is a teen when it comes to sex. And the act is very much separate from his emotions. In the early stage of our relationship, I could not help but feel used. Like he was only using me for sex and there was no emotional connection, which was a big turn off for me. So, I avoided having sex with him and I was always looking for an excuse not to have sex with him. At times I even dreaded it. This ebook is giving me an insight and I realise now that it is his AS, and that I should not take his actions as such personally!

I can't describe how liberating it is to know this in the ebook. Reading through other books, I began to have doubts if my suspicion about my husband having AS was just my imagination because almost resources seem to indicate that aspies avoid sex. But my husband was just the complete opposite. I even thought maybe I have AS because I was trying to avoid sex!

How twisted and confusing life can be living with an aspie.

I'm Savoring The Peace

Now as I am alone at home with hubby and daughter gone for 12 days for a holiday with my in laws, I get some precious time off.

I will have some friends over for lunch tomorrow, which is going to be fun.

It has been a good quiet around here.

I can't believe I fell asleep at 7pm last night, and then woke at almost 9pm for an hour, because it just didn't feel right to sleep right through! ha! Anyway, went back to bed and woke at 5am. It was soooo good. Haven't had this sort of sleep in a long time.

I am looking forward to the Easter weekend. I will stock up on food at home, and just laze around in my pajamas for 1 or 2 days! Bliss.

I also hope to catch up on my research and reading on aspergers. I have two books which I have started, but I need to work the workbook. The titles are:

• Loving someone with asperger's syndrome by Cindy N. Ariel
• The asperger couple's workbook by Maxine Aston

It came highly recommended. I am also expecting a book list from my counselor so I will post them here as soon as I get the list from her. 

How Lunch Is Eaten

Sometimes you just got to laugh at it all, because it is funny.....this is how he cuts his food up and how orderly he has placed the chick peas on each square piece of Indian bread....

Laughing helps for sure. Not at his expense of course, but at how orderly food can be and should be for an AS person. This is my husband and I love him despite of it all.

Knowing what you want

My AS husband just wrote an article about knowing what you want. And that being persistent in getting what you want is important and so on.

The thing I find so ironical is that what he wants is normally what he thinks he wants. He reads someone else's plan or teachings or sharings, and then he makes them his. Usually what he wants is then short lived, because things get hard, and while he may get some results in the first 2 months, but because he doesn't do the necessary in the area of business to make it sustainable, it doesn't last. He does not have a business mind and whatever suggestions I have for him is taken in a completely wrong context, where I am seen as criticizing him. So I have now chosen to keep quiet. And just watch him slide, lose confidence and see things just hanging. He loses his confidence and his condition worsens, and everyone at home is unhappy. The stress levels go up sky high.

I feel helpless in this area.

It is scary to see him go into these highs and lows, and I sometimes wonder that besides AS, is he also bi-polar when he goes from extremes highs to extreme lows?

Has it ever happened where someone has AS and is also bi-polar?

Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy and I am imagining all of these, while he is perfectly normal and that I am just seeing everything in the wrong perspective.

Down again

So I am feel a little low this evening.

I dont know where it is coming from, but I am down and low.

I supposed I am thinking about where we are not going that is causing this. I do have a break from my husband and daughter the next 2 weeks as they will be away so I may have the time to think things through. It is not the end of the world I tell myself. But I can't help feeling sad.

Buttons pushed by neighbour

So i got my button pushed by my neighbour. Not entirely their fault but it did get to me.

My upstairs neighbour has a leaky air con, so i told them about it 2 weeks ago. Today, we found a note in our letter box asking us to call their interior designer about it. I was angry and resentful --- HOW DID THEIR AIR CON PROBLEM BECOME MY PROBLEM TOO? WHY DO I HAVE TO SOLVE THEIR PROBLEM TOO? CAN THEY JUST TELL THEIR INTERIOR DESIGNER ABOUT IT? JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SOME SMALL TIME CELEBRITY, THEY JUST DELEGATE THEIR PROBLEM TO SOMEONE ELSE?

Urgghhhh!

Ok, im venting, I need to.

I am resentful because I have to deal with stuff in my own household. The entire debt we have is on my shoulders. My AS husband is not taking any responsibility for it even though he was spending and using the credit cards when I kept asking him to stop.

So when the neighbour's note appeared in our letter box, I felt my blood boil.

Anyway, I've contacted the designer and she asked me to take a snapshot. But I told her I can't as I can't see the leak, I can only hear it. So after all of that, the designer and the neighbour have to work together. It was their problem to begin with, how did I get involved?

Sigh.

Feeling nervous

Last night I asked him how he felt about us and he said he is just waiting to see. For what I don't know as he didn't elaborate but he did say to see how he feels. And he asked me in return and I told him that I've been doing a lot of research on Asperger's and how it affects couples. And that I'm hopeful for us.

I gave him a hug and told him I love him. And he said he loves me too somewhat. 2 weeks ago it would have pushed a major button in me and I might have exploded and felt nervous and insecure. But I was rather calm last night, so I half jokingly said, of course you do. 

This morning however I felt jittery. 

I thought a lot and have come to the conclusion that we are better together than apart. I am ahead of myself but these questions come up:

- How is he going to manage an income for himself? Now he is barely earning enough to support his own expenses, let alone afford to pay for rent and also contribute to the upbringing of our daughter.

- how is he going to be remain in this country without proper income? Once divorced, he might not get his PR renewed as he is not earning enough and if he goes back, what about our daughter? She is a citizen here and I will never agree to her going with him.

Ok, so I'm jumping ahead and thinking 2 steps ahead. This is what I keep doing thinking ahead by 2 steps. So it is one of the reasons why I am tired too in this relationship. 

Complete Irrational Behaviour

Ok, so I am on the roll today. I just want to pen this down before I forget.

A few years ago, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with us for a night. She doesn't live far away, but because my father was away, and we just moved into our new condo, I thought it would be a great idea for her to come and experience how we live.

I got my mum settled into my young daughter's room and it was decided that our daughter would sleep in our room that night.

The whole night my AS husband tossed and turned and made a lot of movements, banging the door going into the bathroom, cussing and all of that. While my daughter slept through it all. I just could not comprehend why he was moving about so much. So I asked him, and angrily he said me why does my mum have to stay with us when she has her own home? And he demanded to have her house key so that he can go to her home and sleep! Mind you it was about 4am already.

I asked him what was the problem and he said it is uncomfortable and the air con is blowing directly at him, all complaints.

I was extremely puzzled and confused because this exact sleeping arrangement worked perfectly well when his own parents visited us from the UK a few weeks prior to this event. And they stayed with us for a few nights while in transit to Australia! There were no complaints then, and everyone was happy.

It infuriated me that he would behave this way just because it was my mother! I think the anger stayed with me for a long time, and only surfaced just a week ago when I had a major explosion with him in one of our rows.

I have not told anyone until now in this post. I was just too embarrassed to mention it to anyone!

Great reference book - Living Someone With Asperger's Syndrome

Im currently on this book. And this sentence is exactly how I felt when my daughter was much younger -- "Responsibility overload may become an of dissatisfaction in your relationship, with resentment building on both sides. You may feel that you cannot depend on your partner to help you when necessary, while he may resent being treated like a child." This has been a big sore point in our marriage!

If I do not tell him how to get things done, they never get done, or it is screwed up one way or another, and then I have to clean things up. And if I tell him, he thinks I am nagging and treating him like he is stupid.

Is there a win in this sort of situation??

Inflexibility Presented As Going With The Flow

One realization I had today is that while my AS husband often appears to not want to make decisions with regards to our emotional well being or where the marriage is going. (In my opinion we are in limbo). His reason for this is that he would like things to be organic and not make any firm decisions about anything or where our relationship is going.

So hearing this from him can be exasperating, it made me feel so many things -- he is just stringing me along because he needs me financially, he is just stringing me along because he is using me for sex, he is just stringing me along because he has no courage to call it quits as he can't cope with change.

After reading and researching, I realized that the patterns have always been the same. And why he does this, as if there is no structure and no plans or no patterns, is really a pattern in itself!

The pattern of remaining where we are. He doesn't want change, even if it is for the better! By saying that he prefers things to be organic, he is trying to gain some control over the situation, it is as though he has the upper hand.

How come I never saw through this before?

Acceptance

I have been grieving the past few days....grieving over the loss of a husband I never had. We can never have a normal marriage and I am only now slowly coming to terms with it. I have started counseling. I have been reading a lot and just trying to do my own thing. I am just tired.

It hurts. It is painful to admit that I feel cheated. Cheated of not ever having a husband who can share and take care of my emotional needs. I look at other people's facebook pages and what their husbands say and what they do together. But my husband can never do all that. He is not capable of them. He can try but it usually doesn't last. What hurts the most is he doesn't acknowledge that he is AS, and so he says he resents me because he doesn't love me as a wife and lover. I can't argue with him otherwise, because the truth is, he is not capable of loving another person. He thinks he is in love with someone else. But when the bubble bursts, it will no longer be true. What he felt to be true will simply float away, and he will continue with life as if nothing happened, yes this is how quickly he will get over it. And simply brush it off. But I will be left standing there, hurt and broken because of all the things he has said to me, about how he feels about me. It hurts.

In my last post, I mentioned that I think I may be AS too. But having done more research, I read that those suffering from Cassandra Affective Deprivation disorder can mentally go into the space of the AS, and act and behave that way. I can't believe I actually went into his world. It is so sad.