Such Frustrations

So now that we are on our way to a divorce, he finally does something right.

He texted to say that they have arrived safely in the UK. In all the past 11 years of marriage, he has NEVER done the right thing to tell me if they have arrived safely. As a mother I am of course concerned for my daughter's well being. Even with countless reminders, he doesn't keep me posted.

And of course, now he does the right thing!

How infuriating is that?!

Gosh, I could wring his neck

Had a row. Trying to tell him that his actions and not addressing the emotional needs of our daughter is causing problems. And that he must not minimize her experience. He goes in further to minimize it and not addressing her concerns with her, and yet again he goes on to invalidate her feelings!!! When I told him that he needs help so that he can be a more effective father and if he continues to 'harm' our daughter he will not get visitation rights unless supervised. He turns it around and says I'm a bully, 

Can you believe that??? It is exasperating. I really want him out of our lives and have minimal contact as much as possible. I'm so angry now I have all kinds of names I want to call him. 

On the way to divorce now but found this sad entry in my journal...

I found this piece from my journal from many many months ago.....

Too many thoughts and feelings....

I'm married to a robot. Do I want to accept this? Can I?

I'm never going to have any emotional support from him

I'm never going to have any financial support from him

I'm never going to have a normal marriage

I'm never going to have a husband who is sweet and nice to me, who cares about me the way I want to be cared for.

I am never going to be his priority. Just as our marriage will never be a priority for him. 

He is robotic and will never know the impact of the things he says to me and what he does can hurt me

I feel cheated by God and the universe for this man in my life

I guess I am still trying to change him and trying to change our marriage to what I think it should be. I must stop or it will drive me crazy. Literally

He slept with his client

So one of the things the AS men do not have a sense of is doing the right thing socially. When we separated the first time, he slept with a client. And he also had a romantic affair with another client, there was no physical affair with this one plainly because she is married.

I confronted this married one when my hubs and I got back together the 2nd time, and she denied Nd tried to make light of things, not knowing I have read the text messages she exchanged with him. I asked her if she would show her husband the text messages exchanged she was stunned and caught off guard and hesitated. All I can say is BITCH!

I'm a single mum

It's funny how in life, you just plod along doing what you need to do, and after a while you start to think and feel it is the norm.

Today it just dawned on me that my married life is not normal, never have been. I am in truth a single parent, to a real child, and sometimes to an AS husband. 

I've often wondered why people take such a long time to finish a task. Actually the reason is because I've been so used to doing everything myself, before he took over some of the household chores, that I had to be super efficient, and super fast. My brain works fast because I need to do what I need to do. 

So the truth is I am my daughters only emotional and physical (financial and taking care of stuff) support. The AS Hubster is just there. But completely hollow. He's a shell. Present. But when things don't go his way, the shouting will start.

Yesterday my daughter told me that he doesn't like her daddy any more.

He was on a roll of being the best parent on earth, but as predicted it didn't last long. Mr Hyde is back as my daughter said. I feel sad for her. 

We continue with her therapy next week.....

My marriage in CHARTS!

Found this wonderful resource....http://faaas.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Impacts-and-Deficits-in-NT-ASD-Relationships.pdf

See the charts below by clicking on them to enlarge or download....

He Is Just A F**king Spoilt Brat

Gosh, unbelievable! He is so self centred and conceited, it is unbelievable. Behaves like a f**king spoilt brat, and doesn't know how to work as a team, and he turns around and tells me we have to work on a solution as a team. Why start now, when he has never ever been a team player for the past 11 years! Gosh. I am so angry. All he knows is talk about things, and how things can go HIS WAY!

And he keeps turning around with a 'holier than thou' attitude. It is unbelievable.

HE. NEEDS. TO. GET. OUT.

My 9 year old said to me, oh he is treating me much better these few days. I asked her if she thinks this nice behaviour will stay, she said quite emphatically, no. So I told her to enjoy it while it lasts....

Irksome Sense of Irresponsiblity

What really irks me is always the avoidance of taking any form of responsibility. If I were to bring an issue up, he would say it is yes and no, as a way to avoid taking any responsibility and stubbornly thinking he is right.

What happens next is that I am left to clean up the mess. Every. Single. Time.

Same Issues Again and Again and Again

So he left the back door open again! And left the apartment without even checking.

He has been very nice to our daughter the past few days because he is doing a workshop today on Mindful parenting. He did all the ideal stuff like piggy backing her, which he hasnt done in years. And he also took her to the beach this morning, which he has promised countless times but never done. I was so afraid he was going to let her down again today. But I guess for the sake of today's workshop, he had better fulfill his promises!

Let's see how long this 'perfect parenting' will last before he gets short with her, make empty promises and uses the F word on her again.

I am pissed because he doesn't take responsibility for his actions for the times he let her down. Its like he is playing with her feelings.

I just feel sick in my stomach.

Stories Now Make More Sense

This morning I was thinking, he is taking such a long time to move out, even though he says he wants to move out. If he doesn't get out, I have to kick him out...

Which brings me to the subject of him being kicked out of the community house many years ago when I met him. He was asked to leave the community house immediately and he had no money, nothing to survive on. When he told me this story, I thought wow, why would a house of compassion lack compassion for one of their own by kicking him out.

NOW, it all makes sense! He is probably taking far too long, and living rent free in a house where he no longer wants to be a part of!

He is doing the exact same thing here in our house!

God. Now everything seems so clear.

The stories I hear obviously are from his perspective. The poor him. But of course there is the other side. Where he never gets things done on time, he procrastinates, he uses people and resources for his own gains, he doesn't see other people's point of view, he is selfish and self focused and only thinking of how it will benefit him and never about how it will affect other people. He would of course argue to say that he does, but it is all self serving.

Exactly like what is happening in our house. Months ago, he told our daughter who was 8 then that he was leaving. Was it really necessary to put a child through this? Now our daughter don't take him seriously, disrespects him and talks to him in a way that she will never to me.

I feel sick in my stomach. I feel like I've been living with lies all this time.....all of these mind blindness and his aspergers ways, it is very toxic for relationships. All kinds of relationships. Unless of course if they were long distance.

Exaspration

Its been many months of silence. I've been treading water and sometimes almost drowning. I don't know if I should save the marriage or just let him leave. I feel torn, mostly because I could do without the stresses and strains but at the same time, when things are good, they were good, and our daughter is happy and I feel that if I do not do my best in saving the marriage, I will live with regret.

In our marriage, the fact that he is an undiagnosed AS man was never taken into consideration in terms of how to handle the challenges we have as a married couple.

Saturday was a good day. First time in a long time that he was actually kind, and sweet to us. He was also joking with us a lot, in his goofy kinda way (though conventionally it is not really intelligent humour, considering he is quite an intelligent man!). And then Sunday it was all downhill, he was tired, grumpy and just not in a good space. By the end of the afternoon he was shouting his head off, and used the F word to scold our daughter. The thing is he doesn't even realise the impact it has on other people. And when I bring it up, he would play it down and thinks I am over reacting. When the reality is he is the one that over reacts big time when triggered in small ways! If he were to read this, he would say that it is just my perspective! Yes maybe. But it would be anyone's perspective, except his, if we were to say that it is an over reaction on his part to use the F word on our daughter. She is 9, not your worst enemy!

I guess I am really exasperated. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

I need to vent.

So he is unhappy that I have done some slight re-decoration to the home. He says I've divided our social area up which to me does not make any sense. We don't have house guests and neither do we socialist much at home. What social area? 

I've basically divided our living area and dining area by placing my work desk in between the two places. There are no walls. And if someone is sitting on the dining area they will have no issues speaking to someone in the living area as the reality is it is only 5 meters away. Truly no big deal. But he insists that it doesn't work for him. 

He said I should not have taken an executive decision to move the furniture around but should have discussed it with him. I was really MAD. Since when was he ever involved in any of the things that happen at home? Since when was he involved in any decision making? He does not even know how much debt we have and how we are paying for them? 

So furniture is a big deal and he wants a say, but when it comes down to the real important things and the need to take responsible he is suddenly quiet. Great. Just great. 

Making my life miserable and difficult just because he does not like that the furniture has moved 1 0r 2 meters away from its original positional. 

Real improtant.

Sex and Aspergers

I just got this ebook Living With An Aspergers Partner by Mark Huttenlocker. I am enjoying it. Some really good insights, and it is the first book I have read that describes my husband very well in terms of sexual connection.

Most books say that Aspies do not enjoying sexual connection. But this is not true for my aspie. In fact, at times I feel he likes it too much.

In this ebook, the author talks about the aspie's immaturity when it comes to sexuality, which is much like an adolescent. This was always how I felt about my husband! I feel like he is a teen when it comes to sex. And the act is very much separate from his emotions. In the early stage of our relationship, I could not help but feel used. Like he was only using me for sex and there was no emotional connection, which was a big turn off for me. So, I avoided having sex with him and I was always looking for an excuse not to have sex with him. At times I even dreaded it. This ebook is giving me an insight and I realise now that it is his AS, and that I should not take his actions as such personally!

I can't describe how liberating it is to know this in the ebook. Reading through other books, I began to have doubts if my suspicion about my husband having AS was just my imagination because almost resources seem to indicate that aspies avoid sex. But my husband was just the complete opposite. I even thought maybe I have AS because I was trying to avoid sex!

How twisted and confusing life can be living with an aspie.

I'm Savoring The Peace

Now as I am alone at home with hubby and daughter gone for 12 days for a holiday with my in laws, I get some precious time off.

I will have some friends over for lunch tomorrow, which is going to be fun.

It has been a good quiet around here.

I can't believe I fell asleep at 7pm last night, and then woke at almost 9pm for an hour, because it just didn't feel right to sleep right through! ha! Anyway, went back to bed and woke at 5am. It was soooo good. Haven't had this sort of sleep in a long time.

I am looking forward to the Easter weekend. I will stock up on food at home, and just laze around in my pajamas for 1 or 2 days! Bliss.

I also hope to catch up on my research and reading on aspergers. I have two books which I have started, but I need to work the workbook. The titles are:

• Loving someone with asperger's syndrome by Cindy N. Ariel
• The asperger couple's workbook by Maxine Aston

It came highly recommended. I am also expecting a book list from my counselor so I will post them here as soon as I get the list from her. 

How Lunch Is Eaten

Sometimes you just got to laugh at it all, because it is funny.....this is how he cuts his food up and how orderly he has placed the chick peas on each square piece of Indian bread....

Laughing helps for sure. Not at his expense of course, but at how orderly food can be and should be for an AS person. This is my husband and I love him despite of it all.

Knowing what you want

My AS husband just wrote an article about knowing what you want. And that being persistent in getting what you want is important and so on.

The thing I find so ironical is that what he wants is normally what he thinks he wants. He reads someone else's plan or teachings or sharings, and then he makes them his. Usually what he wants is then short lived, because things get hard, and while he may get some results in the first 2 months, but because he doesn't do the necessary in the area of business to make it sustainable, it doesn't last. He does not have a business mind and whatever suggestions I have for him is taken in a completely wrong context, where I am seen as criticizing him. So I have now chosen to keep quiet. And just watch him slide, lose confidence and see things just hanging. He loses his confidence and his condition worsens, and everyone at home is unhappy. The stress levels go up sky high.

I feel helpless in this area.

It is scary to see him go into these highs and lows, and I sometimes wonder that besides AS, is he also bi-polar when he goes from extremes highs to extreme lows?

Has it ever happened where someone has AS and is also bi-polar?

Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy and I am imagining all of these, while he is perfectly normal and that I am just seeing everything in the wrong perspective.

Down again

So I am feel a little low this evening.

I dont know where it is coming from, but I am down and low.

I supposed I am thinking about where we are not going that is causing this. I do have a break from my husband and daughter the next 2 weeks as they will be away so I may have the time to think things through. It is not the end of the world I tell myself. But I can't help feeling sad.

Buttons pushed by neighbour

So i got my button pushed by my neighbour. Not entirely their fault but it did get to me.

My upstairs neighbour has a leaky air con, so i told them about it 2 weeks ago. Today, we found a note in our letter box asking us to call their interior designer about it. I was angry and resentful --- HOW DID THEIR AIR CON PROBLEM BECOME MY PROBLEM TOO? WHY DO I HAVE TO SOLVE THEIR PROBLEM TOO? CAN THEY JUST TELL THEIR INTERIOR DESIGNER ABOUT IT? JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE SOME SMALL TIME CELEBRITY, THEY JUST DELEGATE THEIR PROBLEM TO SOMEONE ELSE?

Urgghhhh!

Ok, im venting, I need to.

I am resentful because I have to deal with stuff in my own household. The entire debt we have is on my shoulders. My AS husband is not taking any responsibility for it even though he was spending and using the credit cards when I kept asking him to stop.

So when the neighbour's note appeared in our letter box, I felt my blood boil.

Anyway, I've contacted the designer and she asked me to take a snapshot. But I told her I can't as I can't see the leak, I can only hear it. So after all of that, the designer and the neighbour have to work together. It was their problem to begin with, how did I get involved?

Sigh.

Feeling nervous

Last night I asked him how he felt about us and he said he is just waiting to see. For what I don't know as he didn't elaborate but he did say to see how he feels. And he asked me in return and I told him that I've been doing a lot of research on Asperger's and how it affects couples. And that I'm hopeful for us.

I gave him a hug and told him I love him. And he said he loves me too somewhat. 2 weeks ago it would have pushed a major button in me and I might have exploded and felt nervous and insecure. But I was rather calm last night, so I half jokingly said, of course you do. 

This morning however I felt jittery. 

I thought a lot and have come to the conclusion that we are better together than apart. I am ahead of myself but these questions come up:

- How is he going to manage an income for himself? Now he is barely earning enough to support his own expenses, let alone afford to pay for rent and also contribute to the upbringing of our daughter.

- how is he going to be remain in this country without proper income? Once divorced, he might not get his PR renewed as he is not earning enough and if he goes back, what about our daughter? She is a citizen here and I will never agree to her going with him.

Ok, so I'm jumping ahead and thinking 2 steps ahead. This is what I keep doing thinking ahead by 2 steps. So it is one of the reasons why I am tired too in this relationship. 

Complete Irrational Behaviour

Ok, so I am on the roll today. I just want to pen this down before I forget.

A few years ago, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with us for a night. She doesn't live far away, but because my father was away, and we just moved into our new condo, I thought it would be a great idea for her to come and experience how we live.

I got my mum settled into my young daughter's room and it was decided that our daughter would sleep in our room that night.

The whole night my AS husband tossed and turned and made a lot of movements, banging the door going into the bathroom, cussing and all of that. While my daughter slept through it all. I just could not comprehend why he was moving about so much. So I asked him, and angrily he said me why does my mum have to stay with us when she has her own home? And he demanded to have her house key so that he can go to her home and sleep! Mind you it was about 4am already.

I asked him what was the problem and he said it is uncomfortable and the air con is blowing directly at him, all complaints.

I was extremely puzzled and confused because this exact sleeping arrangement worked perfectly well when his own parents visited us from the UK a few weeks prior to this event. And they stayed with us for a few nights while in transit to Australia! There were no complaints then, and everyone was happy.

It infuriated me that he would behave this way just because it was my mother! I think the anger stayed with me for a long time, and only surfaced just a week ago when I had a major explosion with him in one of our rows.

I have not told anyone until now in this post. I was just too embarrassed to mention it to anyone!

Great reference book - Living Someone With Asperger's Syndrome

Im currently on this book. And this sentence is exactly how I felt when my daughter was much younger -- "Responsibility overload may become an of dissatisfaction in your relationship, with resentment building on both sides. You may feel that you cannot depend on your partner to help you when necessary, while he may resent being treated like a child." This has been a big sore point in our marriage!

If I do not tell him how to get things done, they never get done, or it is screwed up one way or another, and then I have to clean things up. And if I tell him, he thinks I am nagging and treating him like he is stupid.

Is there a win in this sort of situation??

Inflexibility Presented As Going With The Flow

One realization I had today is that while my AS husband often appears to not want to make decisions with regards to our emotional well being or where the marriage is going. (In my opinion we are in limbo). His reason for this is that he would like things to be organic and not make any firm decisions about anything or where our relationship is going.

So hearing this from him can be exasperating, it made me feel so many things -- he is just stringing me along because he needs me financially, he is just stringing me along because he is using me for sex, he is just stringing me along because he has no courage to call it quits as he can't cope with change.

After reading and researching, I realized that the patterns have always been the same. And why he does this, as if there is no structure and no plans or no patterns, is really a pattern in itself!

The pattern of remaining where we are. He doesn't want change, even if it is for the better! By saying that he prefers things to be organic, he is trying to gain some control over the situation, it is as though he has the upper hand.

How come I never saw through this before?

Acceptance

I have been grieving the past few days....grieving over the loss of a husband I never had. We can never have a normal marriage and I am only now slowly coming to terms with it. I have started counseling. I have been reading a lot and just trying to do my own thing. I am just tired.

It hurts. It is painful to admit that I feel cheated. Cheated of not ever having a husband who can share and take care of my emotional needs. I look at other people's facebook pages and what their husbands say and what they do together. But my husband can never do all that. He is not capable of them. He can try but it usually doesn't last. What hurts the most is he doesn't acknowledge that he is AS, and so he says he resents me because he doesn't love me as a wife and lover. I can't argue with him otherwise, because the truth is, he is not capable of loving another person. He thinks he is in love with someone else. But when the bubble bursts, it will no longer be true. What he felt to be true will simply float away, and he will continue with life as if nothing happened, yes this is how quickly he will get over it. And simply brush it off. But I will be left standing there, hurt and broken because of all the things he has said to me, about how he feels about me. It hurts.

In my last post, I mentioned that I think I may be AS too. But having done more research, I read that those suffering from Cassandra Affective Deprivation disorder can mentally go into the space of the AS, and act and behave that way. I can't believe I actually went into his world. It is so sad.