Acceptance

I have been grieving the past few days....grieving over the loss of a husband I never had. We can never have a normal marriage and I am only now slowly coming to terms with it. I have started counseling. I have been reading a lot and just trying to do my own thing. I am just tired.

It hurts. It is painful to admit that I feel cheated. Cheated of not ever having a husband who can share and take care of my emotional needs. I look at other people's facebook pages and what their husbands say and what they do together. But my husband can never do all that. He is not capable of them. He can try but it usually doesn't last. What hurts the most is he doesn't acknowledge that he is AS, and so he says he resents me because he doesn't love me as a wife and lover. I can't argue with him otherwise, because the truth is, he is not capable of loving another person. He thinks he is in love with someone else. But when the bubble bursts, it will no longer be true. What he felt to be true will simply float away, and he will continue with life as if nothing happened, yes this is how quickly he will get over it. And simply brush it off. But I will be left standing there, hurt and broken because of all the things he has said to me, about how he feels about me. It hurts.

In my last post, I mentioned that I think I may be AS too. But having done more research, I read that those suffering from Cassandra Affective Deprivation disorder can mentally go into the space of the AS, and act and behave that way. I can't believe I actually went into his world. It is so sad.